Dinosaurs Attack! was produced by Topps in 1988, and intended as a follow-up to the legendary Mars Attacks! series from 1962.
Do you love primeval monsters? Does watching humanity’s hubris crumble in the face of fierce animals make your heart sing? Did you watch Jurassic World (2015) and think, Jesus Christ, dinosaurs, where’s your fucking A-game? If so, man, have I got a hyperviolent trading card set for you.
The team behind Dinosaurs Attack! was a veritable Dirty Dozen of graphic arts luminaries: Len Brown, co-creator of Mars Attacks!; Art Spiegelman, trading card icon for Garbage Pail Kids and Pulitzer Prize winner for Maus; Herb Trimpe, comics artist best known for his seminal work on The Incredible Hulk and Marvel’s Godzilla, King of the Monsters; George Evans, of EC Comics fame; Earl Norem, a painter best known for his lurid men’s adventure magazine covers; celebrated lowbrow artist XNO; and the special sticker cards were made by cartoonist/social critic Paul Mavrides and actor/screenwriter/artist/Church of the SubGenius member Harry S. Robins.
The story told by the cards was relatively simple: scientists, turding around with time travel technology, accidentally create a vortex that whisks hundreds of dinosaurs to the late 1980s. Understandably furious, they proceed to KILL ALL HUMANS in spectacularly graphic fashion, irrespective of diet, size, or probable temperament. It’s not exactly War and Peace, but War and Peace has, what, two saurian rampages? Three? Dinosaurs Attack! has 55, so let’s look at them already. Oh, and, uh, spoilers for a thirty-year-old set of trading cards.
Is — is that Bruce Springsteen in the foreground? Playing alongside Madonna and a mustcache-less Freddie Mercury? Are the dinosaurs attacking USA for Africa?
Hey, that Roller Coaster Tycoon/Turok: Dinosaur Hunter crossover looks pretty good.
In which a dinosaur shows up to wreck shit up on the set of a Godzilla film. Actual Toho players Takashi Shimura and Akira Takarada show up here, but for some reason the guy in the monster suit looks like Joel Hodgson in yellowface.
As Lucha Underground teaches us, professional grappling can be used to overcome death itself, so why not carnivorous murder lizards? Dinosaurs are wrecking buildings and entire armies, but these discount Zangief goobers are subduing one with catch-as-catch-can stylings.
In which The Giant Behemoth and Ray Harryhausen’s Rhedosaurus declare war on Italy’s tourism industry while Drew Carey’s mom looks on in horror.
Pour one out for Lydia Deetz’s dad.
“Get away from Mittens, you piece of shit!”, Gladys screamed, somehow discharging an armor-piercing explosive round from what appeared to be a small-caliber rifle.
Look, it’s everyone’s favorite Irish kaiju, Gorgo! I joked before about how these cards make Jurassic World look like We’re Back, but man, even the monster they use to nerf Jaws is more impressive.
Somebody really liked the irony of humans being eaten while they’re trying to eat, because there are also cards called Picnic of Peril, Fast Food Frenzy, and Business Lunch. They’re all great, but I have a soft spot for this pair of Parasaurolophus (pairosaurolophus?) eating handfuls of children like Chex Mix.
I love this one, because this Edmontosaurus is literally just minding his own business when these drunk, duck-hunting rednecks start shooting each other to death. Look at those sweat drops, the poor thing is traumatized.
Doesn’t this look like the cover of a Harlequin romance about Carl Sagan and the thing that lives inside Ted Cruz’s skinsuit? They could even keep the title.
And now, a scene from Toby Keith’s nightmares.
Three important notes for this card.
Dimetrodon was not a dinosaur, but a mammal ancestor called a synapsid.
Dimetrodon was only about the size of an alligator.
None of that matters because this is awesome.
Do you think it means anything that the comics industry all-stars behind Dinosaurs Attack! scripted and drew a scene where a carnosaur busts into a fan convention and starts biting nerds in half? Probably not.
Little Suzy’s out here making the Crazy Cat Lady look like PETA.
If you’re wondering why the invading dinosaurs are so preternaturally bloodthirsty, well, it’s because they’re under the control of an outer space dinosaur Satan. You know, they say the greatest trick outer space dinosaur Satan ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn’t exist.
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