Hey, remember Psymonsters? I know that you do, because they’re seared into my memory so deeply that I’ll remember them even if I get Phineas Gaged in a railyard explosion or something. I’ll be a completely new person with no conscious memories of my previous life but I’ll still feel a chill run down my spine when I hear the phrase “melon ear innards.” Apologies if it’s taken until just now for you to banish “melon ear innards” from your waking mind.
Anyway, like a soldier who has seen too much to return peacefully to civilian life, I have reentered the Psymonster World to once again behold the horrors it holds, and I figure this ends one of two ways. Hopefully, as in immersion therapy, I become accustomed to the insanity of this shattered realm and in this way make peace with the shards of my own psyche. Just as likely, though, I’ll wake up one morning to find myself physically transformed into an asymmetrical Paint creature, and have to beg my family to kill me. It’s a crap shoot!
Okay, it is now time for us to look at Psymonsters. As before, I will warn you a final time: seeing these things is permanent. If you should happen to develop Alzheimer’s later in life, you absolutely WILL forget the faces of your children before you forget these fucking goober creatures.
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Colorjack
Colorjack is “a big flying gray donkey” with rainbow wings and is (assumedly) an absolute icon of the LBGT community. Here’s what is specifically murdering my neurons, execution-style, one by one: his size. We know he’s “big”, but big compared to what? A thousand pounds is big for a donkey in Our World, but by now we all well know that different rules apply in the skies where the Psyguys fly. Colorjack is the size of a battleship, aggressively gay, and voiced by George Takei.
Fun trivia: if Alex Jones ever saw Colorjack, soaring over the horizon, his great wings blotting out the sun, he would ejaculate and die at the same time.
Booter
Booter is a Rain Boot Psymonster of the Water type. Fellas, if you’re wondering why you’re so incredibly attracted to Booter, it’s because Booter is a lady. My my, don’t mind if I do.
She’s only a black rain boot with a gray sole and a pull strap, and I’m only flesh and blood.
Icecrusher
Icecrusher is a study in contrasts. He’s got a rarity of Common, but he’s supposedly one of the most powerful of all Psymonsters. I suppose that means Icecrushers are strong individually, but almost unassailable in groups. Imagine few hundred head of these Michael Chiklis herdygerds, roving across the countryside, crushing ice wherever they find it. If it turns out the rapid decline of the polar ice caps can be blamed on these fuckers, does that confirm or disprove the anthropogenic origin of climate change?
He’s also described as “an extremely strong and handsome man” with brown eyes and balding hair, and I’m just gonna come out and say it: representation matters, y’all.
Valentino
Name? Valentino. Species? Moose. Occupation? Ice Cream Vendor. Job? Ice Cream Maker. Valentino is a Moose of many hats, and they all have “ice cream shapes” on them.
Despite all appearances, this thing is not a Psymonster. Instead, Valentino is an “ally” of the Psymonster World (and possibly also Colorjack’s community, though this is pure speculation on my part). That is an untenably opaque concept. He’s, what, signing petitions? Asking for donations to the Psymonster World for his birthday on Facebook? Is he just a non-Psymonster (Psynonster) with an unusual interest in Psymonsters?
Am . . . am I an ally of the Psymonster World? Did I always have these antlers?
OH NO
Guillermo
Look, everyone, it’s Guillermo, frontman of the iconic West German disco ensemble Dschingis Khan! According to the wiki, he’s a handsome warlock (obviously), but he’s also notable for having probably the most detailed physical description of any Psymonster I’ve encountered. He has 25 different physical descriptors. When I started reading them, I remembered what the warmth of the sun on my face felt like. When I finished, I went outside and the sun was still in the sky, but it was lime green and told me how I was going to die.
He’s also listed as a member of the VMO, and it took me several minutes to figure out that the Psymonster World has a bootleg Legion of Doom called the Villainous Meanie Organization. Normally I would be raging about how batshit that is, but I was frankly relieved I no longer had to continue forcing the square peg of this handsome warlock into the round hole of Flemish extremism.
Tester
Tester is a small gold electric pulp tester. He has three green lights on his speed indicator. Is your pulp slow, fast, or somewhere in between? Tester knows. Tester can tell you.
All you need do is allow him inside. Look into his eyes, wide like saucers, with pupils scarcely a pixel across. He says nothing, but a crooked smile drifts across his face.
Against your better judgment, you reach out and grasp his gray test probe. You hear his tinny voice, though his lips do not move.
“Yes. Yes. The pulp is swift with this one. He will serve us well in the mines.”
Keith
Keith is one of the Puffballs. What’s a Puffball? Fuck if I know, the link for Puffballs just redirects you to a list of all 18 Puffballs. This is easily the most dizzyingly laconic entry on this wiki.
Lemen Fruit
“Lemen Fruit is a type of Fruit.”
I stand corrected.
Also, I can’t remember the last three hours and I can smell colors now.
All images taken from the Psymonsters Wiki.
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