Come, learn about the MS Paint grotesqueries that ruined my life.
I’m not even sure how it happened, exactly, even though it was scarcely two months ago. I somehow stumbled across the wiki for Psymonsters, which, at first blush, would appear to be bootleg Pokémon made up for a Bosnian antidrug campaign or something. They were crudely drawn birds, dinosaurs, robots, and dragons, with names that ranged from punny to nonsensical. But as I looked closer, a creeping unease began to settle in. I realized that Psymonsters do not exist outside of the wiki that purports to explain them.
Psymonsters were not, say, state-sanctioned North Korean Digimon substitutes. And I realized, perhaps too late, that the Psymonsters — like 200 of them — were produced by a single mind, a mind ground to powder by unknown terrors. Since I learned about them, I have thought about Psymonsters literally every day of my life, and that’s going to be the case until I die. The Psymonsters wiki makes The King in Yellow look like The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
They’re in this weird uncanny valley of fictional properties. It’s the same kind of unease you get when you’re looking at a Real Doll; the broad strokes are there, but there’s something vital missing that makes your blood run cold. Psymonsters are classified by rarity, by color, by number, and by elemental type, but it’s never established what they are or what they do. Here’s what the wiki has to say on the subject:
Psymonsters (also known as Psy Monsters or Psy-Monsters) are various monsters in the Psymonster World. They have different types, different rarities, and different colors. Nearly all Psymonsters are able to manipulate energy or matter through paranormal means, with the accomplishment of these abilities determined for each Psymonsters largely by their elemental “type“.
Some Psymonsters are physically humans, animals, birds, dinosaurs, dogs, fish, dragons, spirits, rock monsters, aliens, reptiles, magical objects, machines, insects, mollusks, plants, slimes, robots, clouds, mythical creatures, foods, and balls.
Psymonsters are also ambiguous and exclusively representatives to their entire species. It is extremely uncertain whether Psymonsters constitute natural living things, though they are often treated as living organisms; however, some Psymonsters have much apparent overlap and confusion between these categories.
Clear as coal.
I can only guess at the horrors endured by the mind that loosed Psymonsters on the world, but they must have been nearly Lovecraftian in scope. This guy stared into the abyss, and not only did it stare back, but it was also like, psst, you should draw a house with a face and name him “Utahouse,” and NEVER explain why he’s named after Utah.
I’ve already done my due diligence in trying to figure out the creative force behind Psymonsters. Partially out of curiosity, but also so I’ll know whose mouth to check for gates to the Dark Place when the invasion of the shadow people begins in earnest. All I’ve been able to suss out is that the originator of most Psymonster pages is a cat known as Mfaccas, which I believe is onamatopoeic for the sound of sanity shattering like glass in the face of the base absurdity of existence. His contributor profile gives his location as “New Jersey” and his occupation as “Boy,” which is definitely not something a malevolent-but-bumbling space alien would do. He’s also active on the Heroes wiki!
There’s also a second entity/personality/fursona in play: Whiptail the Dragon. He’s from “Dragon Cave” and his occupation is “Dragon,” which is similar enough to Mfaccas’ idiosyncratic profile data that I sense some kind of connection. While Mfaccas simply creates the Psymonsters, Whiptail seems to have the unenviable task of attempting to impart meaning to madness. He seems to be slowly working his way through the seemingly endless parade of MS Paint terrors and attempting to give them coherent backstories. In a way, I feel a deep kinship with Whiptail; I’m also obsessed with explaining this fundamentally inexplicable phenomenon, and it’s only through sheer force of will that I haven’t quit my job to try to figure out what the fuck is up with Potatosaurus full-time.
Okay.
So.
I’m about to show you some Psymonsters. But I need to be very clear about this: you should not read any further unless you can deal with thinking about Psymonsters at least once a day until you die. I’m being dead serious. Unless you’re cool with not really being present at the birth of your child because fucking Hexician randomly decided to fight its way to the forefront of your conscious mind, you should turn back now.
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Margaritaville
This is Margaritaville. We know that his type is Jungle and his species is Lion, and that’s literally it. He’s wearing a domino mask, he accessorizes with flowers, and his tail is a tiny pineapple with a plunger margarita glass balanced on it. I keep trying to figure out how predatory big cats connect with accomplished singer-songwriter Mr. James Buffett’s jaunty ode to alcoholism, but every time it starts to make sense the shadows close in and I feel very cold.
Honeymoment
Okay, so you know how Charmander has a descriptive-but-punny portmanteau name? He’s a lizard that burns shit, and he’s also charming. It works. I feel like that was supposed to happen here with Honeymoment, but he’s not, like, a time-traveling Carnival cruise ship. He’s a grey elephant with a purple carpet and “melon ear innards.”
Have fun repeating the words, “melon ear innards” as you desperately try to force your racing brain to sleep tonight!
Saileton
Saileton is a skeleton with a sail on his head. He is a Water type, so perhaps he represents the specific type of inescapable terror experienced by a human being about to drown in the ocean. Imagine, an entire atmosphere of pressure dragging you down, your lungs burning as your muscles fail you. Your body itself fails you. You sink below the waves, and you can feel in the core of your slowing heart that you’ll never again see light that isn’t filtered through an entire world of salt and weight.
Just then, an entity approaches you. He hands you a factory-second long-sleeved tee and nods gravely, and then you understand.
Magnificeremony
Jesus Christ, okay. Magnificeremony is one of the vanishingly small fraternity of Psymonsters with a backstory, and it’s extensive. His cloak has a litany of secret magical pockets where he keeps his scrolls, and potions, and other wizardy bric-a-brac, and it’s so complex that he can’t reliably produce a given item. The wiki also notes that he is “sagacious” (sure!), “handsome” (uh), and “very similar to Gandalf in J.R.R. Tolkien’s 1937 novel, The Hobbit (bruh).” His rarity is listed as common; apparently, forgetful-but-handsome wizards with swollen spamhands are the Pidgeys of Psymonster World.
Liberty
Liberty is a “slender mint lady,” of the Magic type. Her species is, I shit you not, Statue of Liberty. She’s also listed as common, so just imagine a serene treeline, that, as you get closer, turns out to be a heaving mass of hundreds of dead-eyed slender mint ladies. Liberty is what Weeping Angels see when they close their eyes.
Luncheater
Luncheater is a Food Man. More than that, he is a reminder that man is food. His concept of the food chain is illusory; he too is consumed. In spite of his pride and his great works, he is never more than fodder for a greater order of beings he can scarcely comprehend. At any moment, all that he knows could be erased from existence, consumed and digested by a cosmic filter feeder.
Your foot is the cabbage.
Your groin is the sandwich.
Telephone
Telephone is a living telephone. It’s unclear what his true origins are, but some experts believe that he exists as a living manifestation of the moment when you run out of ideas.
Wolferocity
Okay, not bad.
All images taken from the Psymonsters Wiki.
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